It's been a while since my last post. I really don't know if anybody reads this at all. I guess it doesn't really matter. You don't know me, and I don't know you. So there are no serious attachments, nobody gets hurt, you can ignore me and I can ignore you.
For the past month I tried it. At least in my head. To live life as man who is attracted to other men. Can I be honest? I doesn't work for me. First of all, it's disruptive, it invades everything and owns my life. I lose control, and I become a slave. I don't like that. My mind is a wild salad of thoughts, without order or relevance. Second, it just doesn't feel right. I feel I am a man, and I don't need another man. I am attracted to men but I just can't devote my life to a man. I can devote my life to a girl, but not to a man. It just doesn't make sense in my head. It just doesn't click or feel right. If anything, I feel I could just go about my life using men as souvenirs and then toss them aside once I am done with whatever I want from them. And that is just sad. I hate what embracing this same-sex attraction does to me. It opens the door to a really dark side of me, and I lose myself in this darkness, and I feel engulfed and all of the sudden I become part of it. I am it. What I really want to do is care for a guy, not for the ultimate purpose of having sex with him, but just because I want the best for him. I want to get to know him, feel loved by him and let him know about my own affections for him, but not bring him home, own him or have him own me. I just don't feel that's natural. It's as if I'm trying to swallow some sour, nasty pill when I start trying to digest the thought of embracing a homosexual life. The fact that I tend to sexualize my attraction to men doesn't mean I accept it. I actually see it as something terrible because of how it makes me react. I want to posses, own, conquer, and then once it's done, forget about it and move on. I can't stand that. Especially because that's just the first impulse that comes to mind, but deep inside of me, there's the need to just know him and that would be plenty satisfying, and I could then move on without hurting anybody.
Sometimes, I enjoy talking to other guys on a gay chatroom more than engaging in any "online sexual activity", which by the way, what does that really mean? Most of the time is just the feeling of being accepted that makes the whole experience what it is. Those are the time when I realize I would never be satisfied in a same-sex relationship because I would always be longing for that acceptance from the next guy who shows up and impresses me. Plus, I'd rather call somebody a friend, in a real sense, than a lover.
Wow, I'm just sort of vomiting all these thoughts on here. But hey! nobody really reads this right? Isn't it shocking that a so-called Christian guy is just talking about all of this, gay chatrooms, and online sex, and whatnot? I find it a bit appalling and I'm the one writing it. But it does happen you know. I'm not trying to advocate for anything really, I'm just expressing my thoughts, and letting it all out, no pun intended. The truth is I long for something that is more than just sexual contact, even though I'm technically a virgin. And I don't think I will find it in a same-sex relationship, nor in a heterosexual relationship. If so, I would have had them long time ago, and I have had the opportunities to do so. I just believe life is more than just myself.
4 comments:
Man.
Your post moved me to tears. And laughter. And deep recognition of where I've been, where I find myself sometimes, and where I want to go in my life.
Friend, you and I are a lot alike.
There's another Jars song that I once prayed through: Worlds Apart. I had come to the point where I was ready for God to take my world(s) apart and put them back together again into something that looked more like Him. Go put on their first album again and listen to that last song. Can you dare to pray through that one?
Man, you are not alone. You are not alone. A thousand times you are not alone. The blogosphere is fulla guys who have taken a hard and nasty challenge: to buck both the gay world and our detractors in the churches and radically follow Christ. There is so much filth, lies and distortion about our sexuality and how our journey is so "damaging," but I stand here, some ways down the same road you're traveling, and I tell you that there is some damage and pain, yes, but there is also unparalelled joy and fulfillment here.
Somewhere we get the idea that God is not fulfilling; John Piper says the opposite, that God is the most glorified when we are the most satisfied in Him. The hole in your soul, that space that longs for intimacy with another man? He can and will fill that. He will bring you Himself to fill that spot. He will show himself through other brothers and if you let Him, God will change you and mold your heart to find more and deeper joy in relating to those brothers in a deeper, non-sexual way.
I'm glad you found my blog. I'm sending brothers your direction today to just love on you and surround you with God's comfort and closeness.
Because you're right: life is more than just yourself. You're needed in this battle not just for yourself, but for the other brothers who struggle with these deeply unwanted thoughts. You're not alone and you are loved more passionately than you can imagine by a God who will honor your sacrifice to follow him.
Keep talking to us, man. We're here.
Hullo,
I think I'm one of the "brothers" that FG sent your way. I really feel for you and your blog is very powerful, even though I think we've had very different experiences in our walks with Christ.
I guess you could say that I do live as a man who is attracted to other men. I think homosexual behavior is a sin, but I'm honest about my attractions. I don't give a darn if someone calls me gay or ex-gay or SSA. My main goal is to follow Christ the best I can.
I know a lot of great openly gay men and women (and heck, I even dated one, though I'll be the first to admit that wasn't a good idea). There is legitimate care and unselfishness in their relationships, trust me. Don't let the evils of the online gay sex community make you brand all SSA people in one group. All that does is make it harder for you to be honest with yourself about where your attractions lie.
Trust me, I've been there. I was horribly addicted to porn throughout high school (and I still struggle with it, but it's getting better as the days go on). The reason I was so bad off was because I didn't allow myself to be honest. I didn't bring my attractions into my thought life. I just had them, and I gave into them, and didn't think of them at all.
Then I finally did, and things changed. I realized that I was attracted to men, but that it didn't matter as long as I had Christ. Now that I'm in Christ, I don't care what my attractions are, as long as He helps me overcome lust and other forms of sexual temptation. I'm happy to say he has been totally faithful, even though I'm still attracted to men.
The first key is being honest to yourself about what your feelings are and what you believe. Then, when the time is right, you should tell close friends who can help you in your journey. Those friends are the ones to love and hold dear to you.
I'll be praying for you, and if you ever need to talk, my e-mail inbox is always open.
God bless you,
Jay
I, too am technically a virgin. That is, my body is a virgin but my mind and heart are not. In God's eyes, the heart counts. A lot. Thankfully, past sin is completely forgiven because Jesus died for it!
Like formerlygay, I can say that I have walked down this road fighting SSA, too. Even with this battle there is real joy in fellowship with God and in close friendships with other Christians, so much to look forward to!
I think I have emailed you before. If you are who I think you are I am still praying, especially for your health. I will send another email. Remember what John Piper said when he found out he had prostate cancer:
"This news has, of course, been good for me. The most dangerous thing in the world is the sin of self-reliance and the stupor of worldliness. The news of cancer has a wonderfully blasting effect on both. I thank God for that. The times with Christ in these days have been unusually sweet."
Remember your desperate need for God and call out to Him!
Formerlygay:
Thanks for the comment and for your kind words of encouragement. I must confess I was surprised to find somebody had left a comment. I usually use this blog to vent and wasn't really expecting to get any sort of feedback. I am glad you decided to share these words with me. Guess what? I am listening to 'worlds apart' as I type this, which has always been a favorite of mine as well. Also, thanks for mentioning me in your blog. I am truly touched by your welcoming words. In a time when I am trying to figure out what God wants from me, I have found He does care what I have to say.
Jay:
Thanks for briefly sharing your perspective and journey with me. To be honest with you, the reason why hell broke lose in my life was exactly my finally coming to terms with the fact that I am attracted to men. However, as I have shared in my blog, my mind and soul have suffered so much damage that my thoughts are easily derailed and I am unable to keep them under control. In any case, I agree with you, I think it was a big step for me to recognize before God where I stand, and it is a freeing experience as well. I believe forgiveness and restoration can only come when you are able to recognize you need them. I have given up wishing for change, and I am focusing on re-establishing a relationship with God through Jesus. We'll see where that takes me.
Mr:
I remember you. And I got your email. Thanks and don't worry about not keeping in touch, during these past months I don't think I was in the right spirit to hear anything from anybody. I am actually doing incredibly well health-wise. Thanks for your prayers, I do appreciate them a lot. God has been good to me, I will not deny it. It has been me who has chosen foolishly. It's only now that I am able to see that, and closing my eyes I pray God will break this hardened heart of mine.
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Brothers, thank you for your encouragement. May God continue guiding us through the narrow path.
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