I want to fall in love with You

Remember that song from Jars of Clay? I'm listening to it right now, as I type in these lines, and it's hard for me not to stop and just close my eyes and pray each verse of this song.

It's been a while since my last post. I really don't know if anybody reads this at all. I guess it doesn't really matter. You don't know me, and I don't know you. So there are no serious attachments, nobody gets hurt, you can ignore me and I can ignore you.

For the past month I tried it. At least in my head. To live life as man who is attracted to other men. Can I be honest? I doesn't work for me. First of all, it's disruptive, it invades everything and owns my life. I lose control, and I become a slave. I don't like that. My mind is a wild salad of thoughts, without order or relevance. Second, it just doesn't feel right. I feel I am a man, and I don't need another man. I am attracted to men but I just can't devote my life to a man. I can devote my life to a girl, but not to a man. It just doesn't make sense in my head. It just doesn't click or feel right. If anything, I feel I could just go about my life using men as souvenirs and then toss them aside once I am done with whatever I want from them. And that is just sad. I hate what embracing this same-sex attraction does to me. It opens the door to a really dark side of me, and I lose myself in this darkness, and I feel engulfed and all of the sudden I become part of it. I am it. What I really want to do is care for a guy, not for the ultimate purpose of having sex with him, but just because I want the best for him. I want to get to know him, feel loved by him and let him know about my own affections for him, but not bring him home, own him or have him own me. I just don't feel that's natural. It's as if I'm trying to swallow some sour, nasty pill when I start trying to digest the thought of embracing a homosexual life. The fact that I tend to sexualize my attraction to men doesn't mean I accept it. I actually see it as something terrible because of how it makes me react. I want to posses, own, conquer, and then once it's done, forget about it and move on. I can't stand that. Especially because that's just the first impulse that comes to mind, but deep inside of me, there's the need to just know him and that would be plenty satisfying, and I could then move on without hurting anybody.

Sometimes, I enjoy talking to other guys on a gay chatroom more than engaging in any "online sexual activity", which by the way, what does that really mean? Most of the time is just the feeling of being accepted that makes the whole experience what it is. Those are the time when I realize I would never be satisfied in a same-sex relationship because I would always be longing for that acceptance from the next guy who shows up and impresses me. Plus, I'd rather call somebody a friend, in a real sense, than a lover.

Wow, I'm just sort of vomiting all these thoughts on here. But hey! nobody really reads this right? Isn't it shocking that a so-called Christian guy is just talking about all of this, gay chatrooms, and online sex, and whatnot? I find it a bit appalling and I'm the one writing it. But it does happen you know. I'm not trying to advocate for anything really, I'm just expressing my thoughts, and letting it all out, no pun intended. The truth is I long for something that is more than just sexual contact, even though I'm technically a virgin. And I don't think I will find it in a same-sex relationship, nor in a heterosexual relationship. If so, I would have had them long time ago, and I have had the opportunities to do so. I just believe life is more than just myself.

Take it or leave it

Hey!

I'm back after a long while.

I'll be honest from the get go. I was immersed in my addictions these past weeks.

It hit me yesterday that I am hurting myself and others. It's not like I hadn't realize it before.
But something happened yesterday that kinda changed my perspective a bit.
I burned a pot of boiling chicken.

Last night I decided to get an early start for the week and have some pieces of chicken ready to cook. So what did I do? Well, I turned on the stove and placed a pot of water with floating chicken tenders in there. It was all good and completely inoffensive. That was until I left and went into my room. What happened next has happened so many times I think it's a given you would know what that was. I logged into my computer and went to town.

Time went by and I completely forgot about the floating chicken, in the pot, on the stove, boiling, burning, scorching, smoking, stinking the place until it reached my room, at the very end of the hallway. At first I thought it was happening in my room, a wire or something. But no, it suddenly hit me that there was a chicken quality to the smell and I left my room running towards the kitchen. It was too late. A crust of black crap was sedimented to the bottom of the pot and had smoked everywhere. I opened the windows, the doors, sprayed the place and went back to my room as if nothing had happened. With that, I continued my descent into shame and indifference. I could have burned the place, I have ruined the smell in my whole apartment affecting my roommates as well, and I didn't care a bit. Until later the next morning, when I snapped out of it somehow and said to myself, 'What the fuck just happened? Who in hell am I?'

I'm messed up people, I'm telling you. Messed Up, capital M, capital U.

Today, I decided to talk to God. It was somehow apologetic, remorseful, but far from repentful. I told God that. I also said that I was destroying my life and it needed to stop. I am making some changes to my daily routine but I think the biggest thing was that I talked to God about something apparently silly like burning the chicken. It wasn't the act, but it was what caused the whole stinky episode. The others acts that consumed me and distracted me to the point of forgetting about reality; what was happening in the next room.

Watching porn, masturbating, degrading myself in one way or another, all of that have a price and I am running short in soul cash. I'm losing all of it and sooner than later I'll be in a place where God will only be a memory. Something I've been thinking about is, that even though I'm trying to figure out where I stand before God in terms of my sexual ambiguity, homosexuality, bisexuality, or whatever, I FEEL I need to refrain from objectifying people, using them for my own pleasure, immersed in my own fantasy world and caring less about people's feelings, lives, eternity. It just feels wrong. I don't need to hear it from a god to know that what I'm doing is wrong. It comforts me that my God says that to me, that I need to love them as Jesus loved me, dying to Himself so that I could live, denying Himself. I obviously don't live that way and I think that's the hardest thing for me to understand about the gay lifestyle. It seems to me that it revolves all around me, putting myself first, caring about my own feelings, inclinations, orientation and little about family, moral values, biology, friends, roommates, and God. I fit everybody else in my world, force them in, push them in, use them to affirm myself and leave them the leftovers of my care and love. At least that's me. I am sorry if I am generalizing, but the little I've come in contact with the gay lifestyle has led me to believe this is what goes on. Not necessarily because I've seen in it in other people (although I have) but because it just flows naturally out of my own heart, these dark currents of self-centeredness, self-idolization, selfishness. I can be nice and whatever, but I can see that whenever I embrace this nature of mine, all of these 'self-' traits get magnified and that it's just not normal to me. I can't stand myself acting this way. It's as if I see myself in an out-of-the-body experience and just shake my head saying, 'who are you? you aren't like that! you don't treat people like condoms and throw them away! you don't seek people's approval by getting naked in front of them, who does that? you don't admire other people for doing so either! what about their own selves? the story behind the physical aspects? the struggle, the identity crisis?'

The truth is I just care too much about our spiritual side to live my entire life immersed in the physical realm of things, in the carnal side of relationships. I've tasted true peace, true joy, and I know where to find it. This struggle to figure out if I want to embrace the gay lifestyle has always been settled in mind. It's a big no. I can't just unplug my soul, also I can't just unplug my penis either. And that's when the whole conflict flares up again. It's happened over and over again. However, I don't want to be owned by my addictions. And that has nothing to do with my penis, but with self-control. A self- word I do appreciate. These days I've felt so out of control, so careless, so addicted to what brings me sexual pleasure that everything else seems to have vanished in the margins and has suffered. I'm a true addict. And so ... having said that, I will also say, I'm trying to regain some control. One of the things I told God is ... I knew I was praying because I was afraid of this whole lack of self-restraint ... I knew I was looking for a break, and that maybe after a week or two I'd be back to it again, reasoning I had had enough of a break ... but, I prayed, I would let Him take a crack at my hardened heart once again, that that was all I could do for now. That I wasn't going to pretend I was repentful, cause I wasn't. I felt bad about the whole situation, and guilty, scared, but I couldn't force myself to repent, that stuff is deeper and He could only do it. But here I was, standing before Him, giving it another shot and He would have to take me as I was, all broken and rebellious. One thing I promised though, I would talk to Him. That I would let Him know what was going on in my head. And that's all I can do right now. And all I'm doing right here. Take it or leave it.