I want to fall in love with You

Remember that song from Jars of Clay? I'm listening to it right now, as I type in these lines, and it's hard for me not to stop and just close my eyes and pray each verse of this song.

It's been a while since my last post. I really don't know if anybody reads this at all. I guess it doesn't really matter. You don't know me, and I don't know you. So there are no serious attachments, nobody gets hurt, you can ignore me and I can ignore you.

For the past month I tried it. At least in my head. To live life as man who is attracted to other men. Can I be honest? I doesn't work for me. First of all, it's disruptive, it invades everything and owns my life. I lose control, and I become a slave. I don't like that. My mind is a wild salad of thoughts, without order or relevance. Second, it just doesn't feel right. I feel I am a man, and I don't need another man. I am attracted to men but I just can't devote my life to a man. I can devote my life to a girl, but not to a man. It just doesn't make sense in my head. It just doesn't click or feel right. If anything, I feel I could just go about my life using men as souvenirs and then toss them aside once I am done with whatever I want from them. And that is just sad. I hate what embracing this same-sex attraction does to me. It opens the door to a really dark side of me, and I lose myself in this darkness, and I feel engulfed and all of the sudden I become part of it. I am it. What I really want to do is care for a guy, not for the ultimate purpose of having sex with him, but just because I want the best for him. I want to get to know him, feel loved by him and let him know about my own affections for him, but not bring him home, own him or have him own me. I just don't feel that's natural. It's as if I'm trying to swallow some sour, nasty pill when I start trying to digest the thought of embracing a homosexual life. The fact that I tend to sexualize my attraction to men doesn't mean I accept it. I actually see it as something terrible because of how it makes me react. I want to posses, own, conquer, and then once it's done, forget about it and move on. I can't stand that. Especially because that's just the first impulse that comes to mind, but deep inside of me, there's the need to just know him and that would be plenty satisfying, and I could then move on without hurting anybody.

Sometimes, I enjoy talking to other guys on a gay chatroom more than engaging in any "online sexual activity", which by the way, what does that really mean? Most of the time is just the feeling of being accepted that makes the whole experience what it is. Those are the time when I realize I would never be satisfied in a same-sex relationship because I would always be longing for that acceptance from the next guy who shows up and impresses me. Plus, I'd rather call somebody a friend, in a real sense, than a lover.

Wow, I'm just sort of vomiting all these thoughts on here. But hey! nobody really reads this right? Isn't it shocking that a so-called Christian guy is just talking about all of this, gay chatrooms, and online sex, and whatnot? I find it a bit appalling and I'm the one writing it. But it does happen you know. I'm not trying to advocate for anything really, I'm just expressing my thoughts, and letting it all out, no pun intended. The truth is I long for something that is more than just sexual contact, even though I'm technically a virgin. And I don't think I will find it in a same-sex relationship, nor in a heterosexual relationship. If so, I would have had them long time ago, and I have had the opportunities to do so. I just believe life is more than just myself.

A broken place

Hello Blogger world ... again,

I am back.

I wish I could say I am back wiser, and more mature, but the truth is, I am not. If anything, I am back more confused and lost than ever.

The past month has been the most uneventful month, and the worst I've experienced so far this year. I fell into this routine of self-indulgence and self-centeredness. Quite sad.

Here's a little bit about me. I'm a grad student living in the east coast. I was born in a Latin American country, and came to the States for college and I am now in grad school. I'm close to reaching 30 years of life in this planet and there are lots of things I haven't figured out yet about myself partly because I chose to ignore a lot of my past and its issues, and also because of the things I used to belief about God and myself. Growing up in the kind of family and society I lived in contributed to it all, and having moved to the States has given me the 'freedom' to express, mostly in secrecy, dark sides of my persona. I've lived in conflict with myself all of my life. In any case, I've have gone through a lot of phases in my spiritual life. I grew up in the Christian church, and I've gone from being an incredibly religious fundamentalist, to agnostic, atheist, spiritualist, non-denominationalist, etc. Right now I remain a Christian at the core of who I am, but even that has gotten old. All this time it's just been labels even though I have had my moments of true devotion, and more than moments I should call them periods where I've found myself at the peak of my faith just to find myself crashing down with an unstoppable speed against the ground.

I have many weaknesses. I am a broken man in all the sense of the word. I was sexually abused by a family member when I was kid. I can't remember much of it, just fleeting images in my mind, the luring games, some specific instances. I have even confronted the abuser, I happened to live with him most of my life, and he admitted it all. The abuse stopped when I entered middle school and I guess that's why I forced myself to forget it until I hit puberty and found out my sexual life had been completely messed up. I am attracted to guys. I remember a time, as a kid, when I was attracted to girls alone. I remember my mom would have to separate me from one of my female cousins because I wouldn't stop kissing her or holding her hand. I also remember telling my mom I would marry this friend of mine from church, a cute girl I hanged out all Sunday after Sunday school. We would play mom and dad games. I even fell in love with one of my friend's cousins, a cute girl I met at her party. I cherish those days of pseudonormalcy, but it was sometime then and now that something happened to me. I don't know if it was the fact that I found a stack of gay porn hidden in my own home, or the previous abuse, or the curiosity and longing for what had been awoken prematurely at age six. Once I opened that magazine I was hooked on porn, mostly gay, and it has been my addiction along with every other activity related to it such as masturbation, webcams, etc. The only thing that still remains mine is my virginity, although only physical. Yes, at the age of late 20's I am a virgin. And I wish I wasn't. There's such a mismatch between what my mind knows, has witnessed, watched, dreamed, that my body can't tolerate it and compulsively reminds me of this fact everyday. I've heard it's good that I haven't had the physical contact because otherwise I would find myself in a deeper abyss filled with self-hatred and solace. Guess what? I find myself there right now. I detest who I have become. Somebody who has no control over himself anymore. Addicted.

Not everything is bad. I've been blessed. Abundantly. I'm a smart guy. Made it through schooling pretty nicely. I'm on my way to become a physician. I am not incredibly ugly. I have a father who in his late years adores me, although he always did but never knew how to show it. Now he does, and my stepmom loves me to pieces as well. I have learned how to forgive my abuser, because he is my brother, who is gay as well. I am away from a home that reminds of pain and suffering, in a place of my own, sheltered, protected, cared for. I lack nothing. Instead I have too much. I have friends who love me and I don't love enough. I have brothers and sisters in Christ who love me as well, even though they know little of my true self. I could just go on with my life and not ask stupid questions about who I am. But when you are about to reach 30 you gotta ask. The crisis should hit you. And it's hitting me square in the face.

So far I've decided some things in my head. I used to believe I'd get married, have a family, live a normal life. I've given that up. I used to believe I'd live a long productive life. I've given that up as well. I have a genetic condition that will claim my life early, not in two years, not in 10, not in 20, but sometime in the future. What is true is that my life-span is shortened. Although, if you think about it, I could be run over by a car tomorrow, and this genetic condition would matter little to the whole spectrum of my life. I used to believe this 'gay' thing was beatable. I have given that up. I used to believe I was bisexual, after all I am attracted to girls still. And that is an honest statement. My sexual instincts don't work accordingly most of the time but I've fallen in love with girls. However, I have given up that way of labeling and thinking as well. I am an incurable romantic guy, almost an idealist. I'm learning to give that up as well. And you know why am enumerating all of the things I'm letting go? Well, it's because all of that is foolishness. It is foolish to have these amazing things in my mind alongside the darkest nightmare, and to open my eyes and see that darkest nightmare looking back at me on the mirror. I am broken people. And all I have is God's, all that I will achieve is God's, and I am learning there are things I won't achieve and it is useless to spend hour after hour dreaming about it, when the reality is looking 'straight' at me. I rather spend my time, dealing with reality. Embracing the fact that I am gay, or sexually confused, or whatever. And coming before God and telling Him, this is who I am. Take me as I am. I can't fix it, I can't force it out of me, I'm as broken as they come, a mess and I can't figure out what to do with myself. I can't figure out how to live this life you call me to live. I can't continue fighting for a 'normal' life, with the wife, and the kids, and job, and tithing, and the missions, and the smiling. Because that would be a lie. I'd be covering it all up. I would be hurting the wife, the kids, the job, the tithing, the missions, and the smiling wouldn't be there. So, this is who I am, a messed up man. Broken in all the sense of the word. With no idea what to do, other than knowing that there's a God otherwise none of this makes sense. And it would have been better to jump into the abyss like that one day at the beach, when the suicidal me wanted to play a game of daring. I've lived enough years on this earth to have realized there are no coincidences. I've studied enough science to get the picture of the improbable probabilities of us standing where we stand and attributing it all to fate and randomness. I've felt enough love in the presence of absolute despair, enough hatred within me boiling up, and witnessed too many a miracle to believe I am purposeless. My life has been stained, ruined, and left on the side of the road, and I can't fix it. I have to hope, in order to continue living, that there's something else out there claiming me as His own, because nobody else will. I know that. And that's why, in the light of it all, I choose to rid myself of my lofty dreams and goals, because this story is obviously not mine to tell. And I choose to be okay with that, to be the secondary character, or a stone, or a tree in the play. Even though all in my revolts, and rejects, and shakes. There has to be something else beyond this confusing world, which we see, day by day, screaming for hope. And if there's not, then I would have been wrong, but I would have lived a life consistent with what I believe, with character and with self-control. Something I am not doing right now, and that is why I am writing this blog. To find my way out of living a life riddled with inconsistencies, lies, cover-ups, masks. I won't try to come to God having fixed my life already, because I will never come to Him then. So, He will have to take me as I am. I'm an absolute mess, and these are my thoughts. Thoughts from a broken place.