And I used my self-given free time to talk to God. After doing so, I fell asleep. These days I've found it hard to know what to say to Him. I've gone through several ways of approaching Him, from the verbally adorned prayers to the simple whispers, from the screams and yells to the sobbing and silence. In any case, at the end, when I'm out of words or of any sort of verbal uttering, a feeling of peacefulness invades me and I easily fall sleep. Today it happened again, at 10am, after having slept my regular eight hours. Go figure.
Later, in the afternoon, I sat again on the floor of my bedroom and talked, talked and talked some more. I remember the days when I would pray to God knowing exactly what I wanted to say. I had a routine, steps to follow, a formula. This afternoon I had nothing. Just Shawn McDonald's Roots CD playing in the background and silence in my mind. I began with a simple 'God, I don't know what to say'. And then, I knew what to say.
I remembered reading something in one of the various blogs I checked a couple of days ago. Something to the effect that in the very beginning it wasn't Adam and Eve but Adam and God. Creature and Creator. And it hit me. I have spent my life looking for Adam and Eve and had forgotten Adam and God. I know God then established Adam and Eve but it wasn't because Adam asked Him. God gave Eve to Adam. And this is as far as I'm going with my 'revelation'. I know God wants to mend our relationship, whatever comes afterward ... well, it comes afterward and I won't sweat it. One thing I have clear, this time I'm not approaching God because I want to be healed from my SSA, or because I want to really start dating this girl I've always wanted to ask out, or because there are days I feel incredibly lonely, or because I've reached new levels of self-loathing, or because I want to have a family but because I want to know Him more and really know what He's all about. I told God of all my questions, and how I was putting them aside, and planned on coming back to them, but for now, I just needed to let Him help me get a grip.
The hardest thing for me right now is accepting who I am but not to let it control me. Recognizing my SSA is one thing, but what's next? Is it the same as with recognizing I am liar? Do I stop lying? Do I stop feeling attracted to other guys? ...
Now that I have stopped all the porn stuff and its associate, Mr. Masturbation, I'm sure the first thing that will happen is that I will be waking up a bit more riled up. Alright, make that a LOT more riled up. We'll see what happens then. All in its due time. Good night.
2 comments:
Wow. The man seeks holiness over easy solutions to his difficult problems.
I'm excited about you being on this path and I will pray that God will feed your hungry heart during this time. May He provide all the intimacy and knowing that you seek.
I will also pray that you will continue to understand that porn feeds the hunger and the hunger feeds the porn; that God will help you break this cycle and find sanity again.
It is good to see the direction you're headed. If you fall, pick yourself up again, pray, repent, and get right back on your path.
You're doing great, man.
It's good to hear this from you. I agree with FG. Focus on the direction you are headed in, and do not be discouraged if you fall. Pray, repent, and pick up the pieces. That's all any Christian should do, really.
As for recognizing SSA... Well, I don't think recognizing SSA is the same as recognizing you are a liar, because lying is a sin, and simply having SSA is not (not any more than having OSA is, at least). There's a difference in attraction (simply noticing the beauty that God has created) and lust (wanting to objectify that beauty to fulfill one's selfish desires). It's the latter that all Christian men and women of all orientations should fight against.
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