You did what before praying?!!

So ... it's déjà vu all over again. Man! Don't you just hate when it happens. I do.

I wish I could explain how it happened, but I can't. It just did. One day I'm walking on clouds, the next I'm stepping on shit. I'm not upset and I should be. I guess that's why I'm deliberately using cuss words. Awareness of my indifference brings out this weird side of me.

I've prayed about it already. However, something even weirder happened this time. I felt the need to strip to my underwear. And as I knelt I told God that I felt I had things reversed somehow. That I had been coming to the altar of sin naked while I remained covered before Him. This time I felt I needed to get at least this part right, even if my rebellious soul remained bundled up and standing pridefully straight behind my collapsed physical body.

It's alright though. I know it all sounds very dramatic, and it was at the time. Now, in retrospective, I'm a bit embarrassed about the whole naked prayer event. I won't apologize for it though, I felt heavily in my heart that was the way I had to present myself before God, at least this one time.

One more thing before I go to bed, cause it's kind late and I've been trying to finish this post but chatting with friends has gotten in the way. I hate it when I pray about something, and all these questions, and confusion flood my mind almost to the point of overwhelming me. However, the next morning, it's like nothing happened. I do not follow up on the experience. I just let it go. Next time I'm talking to God I hit the same cathartic prayer and realize, hey! those questions haven't been answered yet. Well ... it's because they haven't been addressed you moron!! It seems I only deal with my issues when I fail, but then ... I tend to just leave it alone and totally forget about them, until they resurface and manifest themselves in a sleepless night of freaky online activity. I am a huge fan of status quo, not wanting to disturb the peace, keep thing sthe same. Routines are my friends. I cling to them to adapt to a new environment. Coming to God and deal with my issues is just so not me. I rather pretend a cathartic prayer will fix it. However, today I saw the pattern and how it perpetuated this vicious cycle of sin and what's worst, self-loathing. I hate that I tend to hate myself. The perfectionist in me is one of my many enemies. I think what I find hard to do is, waking up, seeing what a beautiful day it is, have a nice breakfast, thank God for all His amazing blessings and then continue with ... "so ... about my brother sexually abusing me when I was 6 ... let's talk about that, shall we?". I mean .. that's so raw, so Maury, and I'm so used to the embellished picture of a Christian. Nevertheless, I think we can agree our lives, for those who deal with SSA, is far from the perfect picture, or even the standard messed up life ... and I have a lot of thoughts about that as well, but that will be for another post (let's just say, I think heterosexual Christians have it easier than SSA Christians ... yes I do). But I digress ... I just think I need to learn how to be comfortable to open up in this way to God. I think the fact that I've never opened up to my dad this way, so honest and forward, affects the way I perceive God and how much I trust Him you know? And that's just something we can only fix, and I need to take the first step, cause let's face, Jesus already cleared the way.

Alright, gotta go to sleep now. Thanks to those who have commented. I feel encouraged and challenged by the things you say here and in your own blogs. Hasta pronto!