Hey guys! It's been incredibly long since my last post, hasn't it? I know, I know, but I'm back and hopefully I'll be able to post some interesting stuff more often.
I just finished an intense day of studying. I started classes about three weeks ago, and it's been just that, intense. I feel I'm finally adapting to the pace, and learning exactly what to change about my study strategies ... umm, I can see this is going to be a very boring post, but it's alright. Most of my brain is fried by now, what with all the path, pharm and micro I've had to read in the past 12 hours. And the worst thing is that I'm not even close to be done. My test is on Monday, early in the morning, so that leaves me only Sunday to review as much as I can. I'll be going to the first service tomorrow to save some time and then off to the library again. I love learning, especially the stuff I'm learning, about diseases and diagnoses, treatments, pathogenic agents ... I'm a learning machine.
Let's see, last time I was typing lines on this thing I was pretty much going downhill. And guess what? I did land deep, deep in the bottom of the pit. What's happened since then has been a series of unexpected events. But let's sort of summarize things from the beginning. First of, I don't think it would be a surprise to anybody if I start by saying that I am porn addict, consumate masturbator. So, right before starting school again I found myself in this binge of porn and unspeakable thoughts, sleeping barely 6 hours a day. And those were suppose to be my last days of rest before the so-called "hellish" second year of medicine I anticipated. In any case, during those days I used to think, 'it's just going to be until I start school', but the whole binging experience didn't stop come first day of class, in fact, it continued a good week into it, and I just didn't know how to stop. Sure, I had to spend most of my day at school, but upon my return to my apt, I'd lock myself in my room and drown the angst inside. In the midst of all these my parents visited me and something happened. I still can't explain it, but spending time with deeply hopeful, faithful Christian old-timers sort of made me think about stuff. I started thinking about my life as something worth saving. My parents love me to pieces, especially my dad, and when I looked into his old eyes, his seventy-five year old eyes and see them tear up with pride for me, I just couldn't help but think, meditate, pray. One of the verses that has always accompanied me is "Honor you father and your mother". I wasn't doing that. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. But still, I'm an addict and thoughts can't really make you stop.
A week ago, I decided to sort of reach out to one of the guys who I had been communicating via email since I started this blogging experience. I think it was a God thing I sent that email. This guy, this brother really helped me take a definitive step towards getting my life back in control. I decided to install some neat software thingy that keeps track of my web surfing and reports to my buddy about my online whereabouts. It was a huge step for me. I'm a pseudo-OCD guy .. okay, maybe not, but I'm a control freak and just deciding to do this was the hardest thing I've had to do in months. But my buddy didn't let me off the hook and walk away. He insisted about doing something about this addiction, and by God's grace and mercy I took the plunge. Dudes, it's been a bit more than a week, and I haven't watched any explicit pornographic material. That is a miracle. I thought that couldn't be done. I mean, I would try to do that on my own and fail miserably in like 3 hours after the decision was made. I'm not saying by any means that I don't have the desire to do it, cause believe me, I do. But I'm learning to say no to myself, finally. And that has been the theme these past weeks really: learning to say no.
Now, I'm still far away from God. Or maybe ... I'm not where I want to be with God, let's put it that way. I still need to return to my quiet times, prayer, and whatnot, but now I can actually see this is possible. My mind is not consumed with sexual images and thoughts. I was oversaturated with them, you have no idea. I feel I can take a deep breath now, get up and start figuring out where in hell I ended up at ... I need to figure out where my Father's house is, you know?
Anyways, that's that for an update. Nothing crazy ... well, maybe I'm a bit crazy for having gotten a slight bit of hope that God isn't done with me yet. I have the biggest issues when it comes to trusting God, so even acknowledging this possibility is big in my book. But I think I'm ready to give the whole idea of pursuing God another try, after almost 6 months ... man! that was a long journey through the desert, and it's not over yet, but there are some green patches showing here and there. Thanks to those who kept me in your prayers. And thanks to my buddy for letting God reach out to me through him.
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